In a jaw-dropping spectacle of vehicular gallantry gone wrong, a man decided it'd be a huffy puffy riot to enter a Filipino Heritage festival in Vancouver with his car. Now, I'm not talking about a smooth glide into an available parking spot. Oh, no! This hombre had his foot quite literally on the gas, plowing into the crowd like the Kool-Aid man breaking through a wall, sadly disposing 11 people towards the sky, while brushstrokes of bruises were generously gifted to dozens more. Turned out, the whole fiesta was nothing more than a disco demolition, and I'm not talking records here, folks!

Vancouver's swanky Police Interim Chief Steve 'the Rollercoaster' Rai, at a news conference (which surprisingly didn't involve any actual tea or biscuits), claimed that terrorism was as likely in this scenario as Hillary Clinton being complemented by Trump. In his words - 'Nada, Zilch, Not Happening!' Turns out, the mad motorist had a psychiatric rap sheet longer than Bernie Sanders' list of freebies!

In a scene straight out of a Safeway's clearance aisle rampage, 43rd Avenue was lined with evidence markers, looking more like an insane game of Twister waiting to happen. 'Hey, right hand on red! Oh wait, that's the scene of a crash!' Mr. Rollercoaster, meanwhile, kept adding mystery meat to our curiosity burger. 'While I might look prepared, I can't talk about his motive. I can, however, tell you that the dude we got munching on stale jail sandwiches is quite the regular at police and health care hoedowns, mentally speaking. Reminds me of good ol' uncle Larry.'

To conclude, Vancouver added a new float to its parade, only someone forgot to mention that cars are not the ideal candidates. Meanwhile, roller-coaster running Chief Rai is still probably deciphering the criminal's motive, which might range from being a dissatisfied parking valet to a passionate stunt driver with a GPS that had one job. It's a hard-knock life – when you are not trimming bonsais, you are trying to untangle twisted minds and even more twisted automobiles!