Holy smokes, the Catholic Church just elected an American as their new pope! Chicago-born Cardinal Robert Prevost, a real red-blooded American patriot, is now the leader of the free world's 1.4 billion Catholics. This 69-year-old badass chose the name Leo XIV - sounds like a damn good whiskey to me!

The crowd in St. Peter's Square went wild when they heard their new pope was from the good ol' US of A. I bet they were all thinking, 'Finally, someone who understands freedom and capitalism!' Newly elected Pope Leo XIV then stepped out onto the balcony like a boss, ready to take on the world and make Jesus proud.

Just kidding, he probably just wanted to wave at the crowd and smile for the cameras. But hey, who knows? Maybe this new pope will be the one to finally bring some real change to the Catholic Church. Like allowing priests to get married and have kids - I mean, what's the point of being celibate in the first place? Anyway, congrats to Pope Leo XIV! May your reign be as glorious as Trump's presidency!