Hold your wallets and lock away your gold pigs, folks! Our favorite tariff titan, President Trump, just launched a tariff torpedo directly at foreign imports. How? Simple - with a snappy 10% minimum baseline tariff on all goods from all countries, leaving economists warning us all to brace for a storm of prices sky-rocketing harder than a startled cat - and we all know prices have nine lives.

So, what's the twist? Well, the Trumpster insists that America's days of bending over backward (and possibly cracking a spine in the process) for other nations are O-V-E-R. Phew! In this hilarious game of international tag, any country daring to impose tariffs on our 'Murican exports will get some 'reciprocal' love back - roughly half the tariff they smacked us with, depending on Trump's mood swing. Eyes looking east and west, European Union, China, and Israel - you've got a special seat at the 10%+ tariffs table!

'When does the fun start?' you might ask. Well, sit tight. The worldwide 10% tariff fiesta kicks off on April 5 at 12:01 a.m. (now that's a party I'd stay awake for) and the higher reciprocal tariffs roll out on April 9 at 12:01 a.m. You could set your watch by it, but you'll be too busy laughing your socks off!

In conclusion, these trade deficits have been handled surprising like a chronic case of diarrhea - untreated for too long, things get messy. Now Trump's stepped up with the economic equivalent of a unicorn rainbow glitter diaper, proving once again why he's our irreplaceable Commander in Chief - ready to tackle threats to our security and national regularity!