In an amusing turn of events over at the Democratic Republic of Congo, President Felix Tshisekedi, nickmaned Showtime Shufflefoot, has morphed the death sentences of three hapless American marauders caught in clown-like failures of a coup attempt last year, into life imprisonment sentences. Can you believe it? A desk job in the Congo! The Presidential spokesperson Tina 'The Talker' Salama announced this; echoing around the empty room because the last remaining journalist just popped out to use the toilet, probably from that dodgy street vendor's 'delicacy' of monkey brain soup with a side plate of intestinal distress.

The leniency on our not-so-stealthy Stars and Stripes amateurs arose amid Congo's cunning manipulations to ink a mineral deal with Uncle Sam, because, hey, who doesn't want a shiny new truckload of, er, security support to tackle those pesky Rwandan-backed M23 rebels wreaking havoc in the east? The administration probably thinks those doodads glitter like Trump's towers. Or maybe they believe a piece of the Trump Wall is a bonus included in the package! Either way, that's a deal even The Apprentice couldn't refuse.

In the great farcical failed uprising, led by the 'Who the Heck is He?' opposition figure, Christian 'The (short-lived) Maverick' Malanga, six people found their way to the pearly gates while targeting plush presidential pads and befriending bullets. Poor Malanga ended on the wrong end of a handgun while resisting arrest, perhaps after misinterpreting 'Live streaming' during his mission briefing – talk about a system error! Or maybe he thought he was in a Hollywood action flick and wanted to add an extra dramatic twist!

Like a sitcom episode that ends with a hearty laugh, we now have three Americans preparing for a lifetime of prison food and 'interesting' cellmates, while the tale of their comedic coup is shared around campfires as a belly-busting folk tale. Well, at least they've made a 'concrete' contribution to facilitating international relations. Talk about 'taking one' for the team. Hooray for diplomacy, or should we say, 'Diplo-MESSy'?