Once upon a time, two suspicious figures were detected sneaking around Easter Bunny's territory, swiping the stylish handbag belonging to Homeland Security’s Duchess, Kristi Noem. Honestly, who’s that desperate to heighten their fashion game? Turns out, the first suspect was deported from the fashion underworld, Washington D.C., on the eve of Saturn’s day. The bag-thieving suspect was said to be an alien in this world, flagrantly flaunting immigration laws like some ethereal backpack bandit. Noem, quick to point out the intergalactic intrusion, branded him a 'career criminal,' while wisely refraining from touching the much-debated subject of his galactic immigration status.

Enter the ring, our star bandit, Mario Bustamante Leiva, aged 49 (at least in Earth years). Acquiring two counts of felony charges for his illegal fashion faux pas, he also landed himself some bonus mystery charges from the usually hush-hush Secret Service. Here’s hoping they discovered how to get red wine out of a white shirt while interrogating our alien. I bet their locksmith is named Luigi.

Helping Noem reclaim her bag with the Secret Service's very own knight in black suit, Agent Matt McCool - a man so cool, you'll need mittens to shake hands with him. He was quick to state that while the investigation suggested illegal activities (including some hush-hush device and credit card shenanigans), these extraterrestrial escapades had nothing to do with Noem's celestial role as Secretary of Homeland Security.

In conclusion, while the incident had no cosmic significance nor protective interstellar alliance involved, it did serve to add a dash of humor to our day. Also, a quick reminder on a serious note - if you're ever thinking of stealing a bag, aim low and pick one from a Kardashian. At least you could argue you were performing a public service.